Losing My Religion

I grew up in a fairly religious family.

Though my dad wasn't all that into poojas and stuff like that early on, he changed quite drastically as he aged. The turning point I can remember was when he went on a trip to Badrinath. After that, every Sunday, we had a Badrinath pooja at home. As time passed by, it grew more and more elaborate. Sunday mornings were devoted to cleaning the hundreds (I'm sure there were hundreds!) of idols, photos, and other godly paraphenalia, and lighting up of at least 30 lamps, before the grand maha mangalaarathi!

Schooling at a convent, I imbibed all the Catholic behavior mindlessly, and sometimes wished I could also stand up and say the Angelus (?) when the church bells tolled! There was no conflict in my mind, however. Jesus and Mary stood cheek by jowl with Srinivasa and Padmavathi. The miracle of Our Lady of Fatima co-existed happily with the miracle of Mirabai drinking poison. St. Francis of Assissi and Sant Tukaram were neighbours at peace with each other.

Meanwhile, however, stirrings of a rebellion were beginning within. I disliked going to the temple intensely - I could only see how bored the priest was, how selective he was in preferring people who donated more generously towards the aarthi, how the various aunties who gathered and discussed everything else other than divine matters....I did not feel more religious or pious going to the temple. When I prostrated before the idols, it was with a mixed feeling. If God was everywhere, why was this idol more sacred than anything else? Why did we have to "bribe" God if we wanted anything? I hated the rituals too - I found them utterly meaningless.

Between school and college, I tried to fill up the boring holidays with as much reading as possible. Included in this were religious texts such as the Isopanisad, and books on Vedanta. Suddenly, I was confronted with a completely different view of religion and spirituality as I knew it. The discussion seemed to answer many of my questions at that time.

As time passed by, however, I began to question everything around me. Nothing was sacred any more. In this context, it became even more difficult to reconcile religion with my daily life. Marriage did not really change this situation, because DH had similar views. I adopted the convenient philosophy that Slartibartfast so eloquently puts across in H2G2: "Perhaps I'm old and tired,' he continued, 'but I always think that the chances of finding out what really is going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say hang the sense of it and just keep yourself occupied."

So there we were, a couple who did not feel like celebrating religious festivals or holidays, yet joining my parents or in-laws in the festivities. We were given so many religious photos and idols, and every once in a while, I would feel guilty and light a lamp or two.

All this changed once lil D came into our lives. She is so interested in God and pooja! And from what I've read, it is important for a child to have a firm religious grounding as well. So now, we do a little bit for her sake. We celebrate festivals in a traditional way. We perform poojas at home. Rituals I once thought I would never, ever perform! I myself find the fragrance of the incense sticks and camphor strangely comforting.

I can't help thinking - it's so difficult to get away from our roots! It's like overcoming gravity to orbit in space!